Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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