his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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