Got a toothbrush?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
