she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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