I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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