Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
