Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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