I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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