This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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