the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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