so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
