I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
