Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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