Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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