he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
