I accidentally had phone sex last night
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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