and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
