Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
