i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude i'm inner monologue high
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
