I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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