your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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