i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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