DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
