oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
