ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
