You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
