I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
