i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
