so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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