youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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