oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
