i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
