Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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