i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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