She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
