So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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