just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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