I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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