her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
