i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
