Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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