We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
