What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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