The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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