There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
