So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
