you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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