How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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