you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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