i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
