i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
